Car insurance quotes
Insurance jokes
Insurance jokes LOL :-D
I want to cancel my policy
Frickie's farm was destroyed by a drought. His wife Almerie called there insurance agent and said, "The farm was insured for R2,000,000 and we want the money."
"I’m sorry Almerie, but it doesn't work that way. We will determine the value of your farm and get you a new one that is worth about the same." the agent said.
Almerie paused and replied, "Well, in that case, I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."
The insurance salesman
An insurance salesman, accountant and a secretary are traveling in through a rural area.
Tired, they drive up to a small country lodge.
The owner tells them he only has a room with two beds so somebody will have to sleep in the barn for the night. The secretary loses a game of rock paper scissors and heads out to the barn while the others go to sleep. In less than an hour they are woken up by a knock. It's the secretary, who complains, "There is a pig in the barn. I'm Jewish, and cannot sleep near an unclean beast.”
The accountant gets frustrated and heads out to the barn
The other two go to bed but soon are woken up by another knock.
It's the accountant who says, "There is a cow in that barn. I'm a Hindu, and it would offend my beliefs to sleep next to a sacred beast."
The insurance salesman just wants to get some sleep he walks over to the barn in a huff. Some time goes by and the accountant and secretary fall fast asleep but they are woken up by a much louder pounding. They open the door and are surprised by what they see: The pig and the cow!
Car Insurance Excuses
- The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention.
- The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle.
- I was driving my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before.
- Coming home, I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have.
- The indirect cause of this accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth.
- As I approached the intersection, a stop sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before.
- I was unable to stop in time to avoid the accident. The telephone pole was approaching fast.
- I was attempting to swerve out of its path when it struck my front end.
- An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my vehicle and vanished.
- I thought my window was down but found it was up when I put my hand through it.
- To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front, I struck the pedestrian.
- A pedestrian hit me and went under my car. The pedestrian had no idea which direction to go, so I ran him over.
- I saw the slow-moving, sad-faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of my car.
- I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought.
- A car drove away at speed catching our client who went up in the air and his head went through the windscreen and then rolled off at the traffic lights a good few feet away. The car then sped off and miraculously our client remained conscious and managed to cross the road.
- I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the bonnet. I realised the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket.
- I had one eye on a parked car, another on approaching lorries, and another on the woman behind.
- I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant togethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard.
- On the M1 I moved from the centre lane to the fast lane but the other car didn't give way.
- On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke.
- Three men approached me from the minibus. I thought they were coming to apologise. Two of the men grabbed hold of me by the arms, and the first slapped me several times across the face. I Knee'd the man in the groin, but didn't connect properly, so I kicked him in the shin.
- I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight
- I was on my way to see an unconscious patient who had convulsions and was blocked by a tanker.
- Mr. X is in hospital and says I can use his car and take his wife while he is there. What shall I do about it?
- Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo.
- The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again
- We had completed the turn and had just straightened the car when Miss X put her foot down hard and headed for the ladies' loo.
- I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident.
- I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment.
- The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him.
- In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
- My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident?
A: Travelled by bus?
A Dial Direct customer collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were:
Q - What warning was given by you?
A - Beeeeeppp!
Q - What warning was given by the other party?
A - Moooooo- oooOO thump.